What can you do about an emotionally draining person?

Posted on Apr 12 in personal growth, personal storiesby TalinaPrint

Do you notice feeling drained, trampled or just worn out after an encounter with an acquaintance or loved one? Maybe this person only wants to have interactions with you when they need support or maybe they tend to unload on you all the time.

How do you distinguish between someone going through a “rough patch” in life and someone who is just an emotional drain on you all the time?

I know someone who never asks how we are doing and insists on dominating the conversations and dwelling on all the “woe is me” crap. When the conversation shifts from all the pity me stuff it becomes very superficial. It feels like this person doesn’t care to know who we truly are, is not even thinking about how we are feeling and only maintains the relationship so they can have someone to dump stuff on.

We have stopped participating in the whiny conversations and have stopped pitying them and feeling bad for them. We are no longer enabling them but they just keep dumping the crap on us.

I have a hard time with people who take more than they give in a relationship. It is not healthy or fair and it really puts a strain on the relationship. So what can you do?

We often get criticized for pointing out the positive stuff about the situation when this person whines on about all the negative. When we express displeasure over the drama, sad stories or rude comments we are made to feel stupid for feeling or thinking that way. It is clear our views and opinions are not welcome or accepted yet we are expected to remain in the encounter and act as they want us to.

Naturally we have begun to distance ourselves from the undesirable encounters because it is obvious that we are not even close to getting anything positive from it. A relationship is supposed to be give and take, not just give, give, give… So what can you do other than just stop communicating with them?

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12 Comments

• Hyphen Mama says:

  April 12, 2008 at 4:34 am

  For 7 years I had a friend like this. No matter if somebody was sick, unhappy, upset… she was MORE so. I called her the energy sucker. She wanted nothing but my energy and I freely gave it until I realized that getting it back was too hard. She created chaos in her life where none existed because she thrived on the victim role and the drama. I had to break it off with her, and I couldn’t even do it to her face, I had to do it via email… because she was one of the over dramatic ones who would have yelled and over-talked and never heard a word of my explanations of why I had to end it. I had to end it because my daughter was age 2 and was starting to understand that Mommy was being treated badly and I didn’t want to show my daughter that allowing yourself to be treated badly is EVER okay. Sorry…I didn’t mean to hijack your post.

  Hyphen Mama’s last blog post..New Math
• April says:

  April 12, 2008 at 8:52 am

  You must be talking about my mom. Breaking it off with her 3 yrs ago was one of the best things that I have ever done. It has been heartbreaking on one hand because she is my mom but on the other hand it was such a relief! Without all of the negativity and the naysaying my life is not as bumpy or tramatic all the time. Hyphen Mama did a good thing for herself and her child. You will feel better when your life moves on without the emotional drain. And do it email because I agree with Hyphen Mama, your words will go on deaf ears.

  April’s last blog post..Problem Solved!!
• Lori says:

  April 12, 2008 at 9:17 am

  I don’t know anybody quite to that extreme of the ‘me me me’ syndrome you mention, but I think you did the right thing. I am generally a positive person, and surround myself with other positive people. Of course there are always situations we can’t avoid negative people, (work/school etc) but that is where it ends for me. I don’t deal with them any more than I have too. I realize that sounds cold, and yes I do have compassion for people, but if I let myself, I can get to caught up in thier problems, and start feeling responsible for their mood. Guilt then comes into it, like if I stop talking to them, do they have anyone else to unload on? Do they just need one person willing to listen? Will I or can I make a difference? Every person, every situation, is different, and only you can decide at what point it no longer healthy for you to be a part of it. Seven years is a long time, and obviously very draining. The best thing you can do (in my opinion) is be honest, whether it is email, phone, or face to face, and explain why. If enough people do it to them (without being cruel) it is possible they will realize what they are doing. Once again, it is only my thoughts, and I really am a nice person,, lol.
• witchypoo says:

  April 12, 2008 at 10:58 am

  There are none of those people I hang out with. I have pointed out to some folk who had hooks in their energy what was going on, and they actually made a change.

  witchypoo’s last blog post..Mom
• teeni says:

  April 12, 2008 at 2:16 pm

  It sounds like you’ve done all you can since you have pointed things out to them. I guess putting some distance will be healthier for you and maybe they will start to “see” things in a different light. Sometimes that is what it takes. You can’t control anyone else. You can only control your own actions. Hopefully they will wake up before they lose a valuable friendship and relationship.

  teeni’s last blog post..Sign Up for the Story Game
• Ree says:

  April 12, 2008 at 4:35 pm

  I agree with teeni. Sounds like the only thing LEFT is to cut out communications. It’s healthier for you!

  Ree’s last blog post..Catsurday (because I think LolCats has Caturday registered)
• zoe says:

  April 12, 2008 at 4:59 pm

  man i needed to read that today. i have a friend just like that. i ran into her today and have been feeling sucked dry ever since!

  zoe’s last blog post..Fat Ass Friday: For a change
• writer chick says:

  April 12, 2008 at 6:53 pm

  I say drop them like a hot potato and run as fast as you can in the other direction. Clearly, this person wants only to be interesting and not interested. In other words, as you said – it’s all about them. Give them a mirror and wish them luck – they probably won’t even notice you’ve left the room.
  WC

  writer chick’s last blog post..The Terrible Two’s
• pema says:

  May 25, 2009 at 2:23 pm

  I so realted to this…I have what I would call a distant friend (now). She always has some excessive drama going on at home, work, with friends or fellow spiritual seekers. I initially got caught up, thinking she really needed to talk about her distress, but she then started to become insulting. I am older by 10-12 yrs. and have a physical disability that I am successfully ( but slowly) overcoming. She uses my age and my physical challenge to insult me. Anyone over 50 should just accept death and uselessness, disabled people need to understand they aren’t a focus anyone should have. Medical treatments to assist various illnesses are a waste of precious resources etc., the list can go on. I pulled away and expressed my discomfort with her behavior and comments. She claimed it was because I am over sensitive and passive aggressive and always overreact.

  After months of not speaking, she contacted me to tell me of her need for knee surgery, I haave been through it and offered suggestions to make sure she got appropriate treatment and physical therapy. I commiserated as best I could, but didn’t really engage in the “oh, poor me”. It felt like a trap and I wasn’t going there, ever again. She is exhausting. I am always the idiot when speaking to her, no matter the topic. If people are harassing her and I suggest being a bit more open to what they may be trying to tell her, then I am being judgmental and those people know what is affecting them. She has issues at work, but taking them to HR is STUPID, how could I even suggest that. It doesn’t end. I am like this sounding board that is not supposed to respond, she just dumps her stuff and is gone. Shut up and listen !

  We don’t actually speak much anymore, she may occasionally e-mail me with some woe and issue, I just wish her well and remind her that she will find out what she needs to do. We don’t discuss anything. I never offered only advice, I listened more than most people would, but when that became a flaw, then I just backed off!

  I dread seeing her e-mails.
• rachel says:

  August 22, 2009 at 5:42 pm

  As I was reading a self-help skills book and the word came up ( emotionally draining person ) I decided to analyze my own situation , I have been working parttime for the last 18 months and things sometimes get really
  thouth and all I need is be hear .No one else will solve
  my umnemploymentbut just that Hang in there !! would help me a lot .
  Am I been a emotionally drain person ????????

  Rachel.
• Kay says:

  August 26, 2010 at 11:05 am

  I am dealing with a “friend” right now who fits this article to a T. I have been distancing myself from her because she is emotionally draining and toxic. Everytime I bring up a different topic – away from her usually topic (her abusive boyfriend) the conversation with-in 1 minute is back on him. I have tested this theory multiple times, brought up something like my new job – for example, “I can’t wait to start my new job in the fall – I have already met so many wonderful people, I think it will be a great new start in my life.” Her was her response, “I only wish I could start my life with (his name) – why doesn’t he realise he needs to get a job?”
  Is this a normal response to a friend who just told you about how excited she is for a new job?

  I think my soon to be ex friend is in for a real life shocker when I completely stop talkin’ to her – she can find someone else to unload her constant 24-7-365 drama on. It is such old news. Ugh.
• Talina says:

  August 26, 2010 at 10:16 pm

  Kay,
  Speak up and tell her that you’d like more give in the give and take friendship. If that gets you nowhere I say distance on.
  For me, if the relationship is worth speaking up about my feelings I do. If not I just quietly move on.

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