I am here to tell you that parenting, once begun, never ever stops. You have a baby, then another, and another, and think to yourself that one day, maybe in twenty years or so, that you will have your life back and be able to just sit back and relax. But let me tell you right now—that is not the case.

I had my babies when I was very young. I was 19 when my son was born, and turned 23 just three short weeks after the birth of my third child. My two daughters are very close in age—R  is 38 and E is 37. There is only 15 short months difference in their birthdates.  That is where the closeness ends though.

E, my youngest, left my home and set up housekeeping with her then boyfriend when she was 17 and still in high school. She and her guy got married and had a baby boy when she was 25. R chose to go to college and grad school, and live the single girl life in a big city, until she met her True Love a couple of years ago. My two girls rarely see each other face to face, mostly because one live on the east coast and the other lives in Canada. They talk infrequently to each other. They get their news of what is going on in each other’s lives through me, their mother.

This has been going on for about twenty years. Now that we all have Facebook, my four children (a stepdaughter joined our family when I married her Dad in 1992) keep in touch that way. And I write my blog.

I am in a weird place now. I want to be happy and giddy and shout about E’s newly announced pregnancy to anyone and everyone who will take the time to read it. She is so very happy!  Her son will be 10 years old in April, and she has suffered through two miscarriages in those years. She asked me to go to her last OB appointment with her, I am sure, because she was afraid of being alone if the doctor found anything wrong during the ultrasound. It was the first time I have seen one of my grandchildren via ultrasound, and it was soooo amazing!

But, I feel like very squeeee and pic of a new baby thing I have made or mention of Baby to Be is a slap in the face to R. She wants a baby so very much, and I want it for her because she wants it so much. She also had a miscarriage last spring, and took it very, very hard. She was so depressed in November, when her miscarried baby would have been due, that she wasn’t able to get out of bed on many days. I understand, and I as her mother wish so much that I could kiss away the hurt.

I’m still parenting. And as usual, there are no instructions. How do you stay so happy for one, while being hopeful for the other? Do I back off posting my happiness for one to prevent sadness of the other? It is so very hard to know what is the right thing to do.

—-

Karen writes at Fabgrandma, where she tells the world way too much about herself whether they want to know it or not. She writes about her life of living full time in an RV, eating a gluten free diet, things she does for fun, and things that are important to her. She makes you look at photos of her grandchildren, talks about her husband’s survival of oral cancer, shows you things she has made. You know you want to look.