Everly,

Sorry we’ve been irritated about your consistant 2am crying that you blamed on your radio, Sweetpea. We thought you were waking and turning it on for attention. Little did we know, your radio alarm was set and it was startling you awake each night this week.

That sure explains why you came bolting up the stairs each night in terror. I certainly do not enjoy waking to a radio announcers voice, even when I am expecting it. So, I now understand your fear and frustration.

Silly us, we just thought you were up to some terrible, toddler antics. Apologies. The teething baby induced, sleep deprivation must be taking it’s toll or something.

Love,
Your very clueless Mom & Dad

This is a totally unprofessional, explicit post. Read at your own risk or simply move on

Actually, today is his birthday if I remember correctly…

Happy birthday gay ex -boyfriend!

Hun, I hope you are having lots of catty, diva fun and that you’ve acquired all you aspired to in life. Even if you had to steal the high school band’s instruments and sell them on ebay to get it

The thing that sucks about those gay high school sweethearts is sometimes they just don’t know they are gay yet, or they just want to use you as cover so they can prove to others they aren’t gay.

I still have no clue if I was just delusional about the gay factor for the entire 4 years or if it only reared it’s head at the end. Those who witnessed it will have to chime in below.

Regardless, I enjoy gay people… just not dating them for 4 years. It kind of fucks with your head while you wonder, “did I turn him gay?” or “why is he asking about anal?”

Oh, and did I mention I have a funnnny nude photo of him somewhere? Ha! Be glad I am not sharing that here!

The one that got away?

Seriously, A gay ex-boyfriend is totally one that you should be thankful to lose, like a hairy face wart or something. Trust me. I would know.

Besides, when you don’t have a diva boyfriend competing with you for attention, winterguard solos and popularity in general, life gets WAYYYY easier. Besides you can now be free of the boy band music, the sparkly pants and the glitter hair gel he loved.

What could be better?

Picture this:
In the kitchen I stand, discussing trip logistics with Nathan. While discussing the need, or lack thereof for a portable potty chair we hear this terrible scraping and thumping above us.

“Is a cat falling off the loft wall again?”

We halt our discussions to look above us for falling cats. A few times the cats have actually fallen from the loft bedroom ledge above hitting the plant shelves, the breakfast bar and various other things on the way down.

In runs Everly waving her arms, like an agitated Sims character, but we ignore her and continue searching for the cause of the strange noise. She streaks out and continues carrying on and flailing.

Once we’ve sufficiently searched about for falling cats, the fog of tuning your kid out clears and I hear Everly yelling

“Mah balloon, Mah balloon!”

Earlier that day Everly got a balloon while we were out at a restaurant…

We realize what is actually going on now. “Oh crap! Her balloon is floating up past the loft wall to the second floor ceiling!” We both run to investigate and hope we can intervene before the balloon pops, cause you all know what happens when a kid’s balloon pops in front of them.

Upstairs we find a balloon all tangled in the ceiling fan in our bedroom. We hear, Thuwump, thump as the fan spins and “Mah balloon, mah balloon!” as we scramble to shut the fan off and assess the damage.

Crap, I guess I better grab the ladder and why not dust the fan while we are up there?

Luckily, no balloons were popped in the making of this memory. There was a massive tangled mess and lots of drama but we got a good laugh out of it all. And the fan got cleaned too.

Now whenever we need a laugh we yell in a weird voice “Mah Balloon, mah balloon!” because it was a seriously dumb parenting moment with both of us scratching our heads in confusion.

Nope, I am not joking. See what I mean->

Yuck!

I got off easy based on some of the poop mess stories my mother told about me.

Still, Everly sure has a knack for pooping at nap time, and when she wants to read books while she sits on the pot she opts for her in-room potty chair instead of the potty seat that you see in this photo.

She’s also and observant one that strives to do all the things we also do, so when she see us dump her potty chair deposits in the toilet she catalogs that for future mayhem…

Funny that I was just remarking on facebook about how long she typically naps and how odd it seemed. Hope I didn’t jinx nap time for good.

Then, like she did today, during a fit of nap refusal she decides to have a nice messy poop in her potty chair.

Then she puts her clothes back on and takes her potty chair bowl to the toilet where she accidentally pours the poop on her potty seat, then she procedes to try washing the potty bowl in the sink.

The running water in the bathroom is what tipped me off. Did I mention she also wiped her bottom and tried wiping the potty seat mess? So many wipes were used that upon flushing the toilet- it backed up.

Now that the poop is all cleaned up I can laugh about it with all of you – but I can’t get the poop smell out of my nose

“Somebody sneezed Dada” Everly said while playing with the Good Fart game on my Kindle tonight.

“More like somebody’s butt is sneezing” Nathan replies.

Funny stuff is happening in the kitchen tonight, so I grab the camera

Here is a video of adorable laughing and funny fart sounds. Cheap entertainment. Enjoy!

Oh, yes… We are doing Elf on a Shelf here in the Ryder household. Although we didn’t opt for the creepy elf, for Everly’s sake. She gets freaked out by many things. Clowns, large statues and probably Elf on a Shelf. Christopher was more cheerful and child friendly we think.

We are doing this popular holiday activity mainly to have a daily threat dangling over her head “Oh, don’t do that bad thing… Chirstopher Popinkins is watching.” It makes fun memories for her too, doesn’t it?

Plus, we get our own entertainment out of his daily hiding spots. But wait!

Now there is even more you can do with your holiday elf… Enter contests!

VOTING IS LIVE: I am gonna need YOUR help voting, now please. You can click here to vote, vote once a day please. Our Christopher is number 20 & 24.

Our little mischievous elf went on a binge tonight…

First there was the panty raid.

Now being in such close proximity to all the silky soft panties brought on another urge for ole Christopher… panty sniffing.

… but they were clean, so it is all good.

When he was all finished… well you can see for yourself on Nathan’s blog.

Now, you’ll have to stay tuned to my Twitter and Facebook pages because next week when Inappropriate Elf contest voting starts.

Go on, follow my blog on Facebook or Twitter now (on the sidebar), you know you want to. Plus, just think of all the oddball stuff I’ll be able to share with you from a new iPad… when you help me win, of course.

VOTING IS LIVE: I am gonna need YOUR help voting, now please. You can click here to vote, vote once a day please. Our Christopher is number 20 & 24.

Oh, you can see all the other entries here if you are curious.

It was like Elf on a Shelf for adults at work.

*warning, explicit language. Read at your own risk *

Back in my days of hospitality work I had the chance to work with some seriously fun people at a golf club back in Arizona.

Let me add the fun people were generally not my fellow management staff, especially NOT the “Executive Chef” whose balls were about to fall off at any moment.

He was the one I eventually ended up losing my job over. Told him I could care less what his Chef’s jacket said and that I would not rework my event setup based on his douchy preferences. Oops, my bad Mr. Exec. Chef!

Anyway, for fun we would take this huge brass squirrel and place him in various odd spots to see who would notice. He was an expensive lawn decoration that somehow became odd indoor decor at the club for buffets and such.

It first started with one of the dining facility’s waitstaff stashing the squirrel somewhere. The person who spotted the squirrel would then relocate him at closing time and the game continued. Over time more and more people got involved as they spotted him and joined in on the game

This squirrel was eventually named Crispy, I believe it was because he was once stashed in the fireplace in the center of the dining room.

Each time Crispy was spotted he was relocated. A few times it would be days before he was found and relocated. Some days we would go to work thinking about where Crispy would turn up next.

Once we put him up on the decorative ledge of the vaulted ceiling in our main banquet room with some fake tree. That freaking brass squirrel weighted like 50lbs and hefting him and a fake tree up a 6ft ladder was almost deadly. It sure was a good laugh days later when my boss spotted him and jumped. He first acted all startled and then amused by the sight.

Another time a broom or umbrella was placed in his paw while he was around a corner or something. Some days you really would jump and think a real creature was hanging out wherever Crispy was. Other days you’d just laugh at the absurd placement. He was found under dining room tables, in potted plants, on high ledges, wearing strange things, holding various objects… You name it, chances are Crispy did it.

It really was like Elf on a Shelf for grownups and honestly, just the memory of all those good laughs makes me want to do Elf on a Shelf for the kiddos this holiday… Cause I know it will be damn amusing for us too!

If you follow me on various social media networks you may know about the injury poor Nathan was given by by our 2 year old, Everly, the other night. This was the first time a trip to the emergency room was contemplated as a result of kid rowdiness.

I was reading in the bath and taking a few minutes away from motherhood. Maybe I shouldn’t have, I often find some ordeal unfolding when I return to parent land to help Nathan out after my break. I am reading and loving The Help right now if you are wondering. Highly recommend it!

Anyway, Everly had the attachment to Adalyn’s bouncy seat and she threw it randomly across the room… guess who it nailed? Yep, Nathan and his poor eyebrow just split right open.

Everly immediately put herself in her room and closed the doors when she saw the blood dripping down of Daddy’s face. Luckily it was Daddy that took the hit and not baby Adalyn who was also in the room where things were flying.

As I scamper past the stairway in my bath towel I see Nathan holding a rag to his eye, he tells me I need to take a look and see if it needs stitches.

“Are you effing kidding me? What happen?” I ask.

Eyebrows always bleed like crazy and swell but aren’t usually as bad as they seem. I’ve hit my own eyebrow and have also had many student whack theirs while doing Colorguard routines. Lots of blood and yuck for sure.

Luckily, Nathan’s brow wasn’t so deep and he didn’t get a resulting black eye from the blow either. We joked that he would have to tell people he was boxing or something to avoid the embarrassment of being abused by your toddler.

Thank goodness my toddler is sort of a clean freak!

These newborn days are sure leaving mama tired, not as tired as the first time around but still quite exhausted. You know, feeds every three hours or so with much cuddling and soothing needed before anyone can go back to sleep will leave anyone tired.

Luckily Everly comes up stairs to find me each morning when she wakes so with Adalyn up there sleeping too it is possible to potentially catch some extra sleep after Everly wakes up. I put on a DVR episode of Sesame Street and she cuddles in bed with us watching TV and waking up.

Today she got bored with TV and went down stairs to play on her own… (actually the show ended and I didn’t wake up to put another on. Oops)

When I finally woke she was whining that I come down stairs now and she was saying “mom, what’s going on here?” as I got myself together and ready to come down stairs for the day.

When I found her she was sitting on the potty seat, poopy diaper next to her potty seat… filled with diarrhea and she said “mama, bad poop!”. She wasn’t still pooping but she planted herself on that potty seat because her bottom was caked in poop and she needed someone to wipe her up.

Like I said, thankfully she’s kind of a clean freak, otherwise I would have had little toddler butt prints of poop all over the house this morning before my morning coffee. Can you picture that?

Ah, isn’t parenting a hoot? Luckily Adalyn is still snoozing away upstairs in my bed thanks to the Gripe Water that finally got her back to bed this morning. Better go free the dog outside and check the homestead animals and garden while I have a free moment.

Someone was awake at 4 am crying. After peeing in the potty chair on her own yesterday it is no surprise she’s having sleep disturbances as they really do typically coincide with her major developmental stages & events, like clockwork.

Our 2nd car, the current around-town-car has been out of service so the weeks have been hard without a means to get Everly to a park or play date. She’s downright bored with the house and yard activities and needs a good tiring out for napping purposes and also for the sake of my own pregnant blimp resting needs.

So…. we drove Nathan to work early this morning, since we were already up anyway. He’ll bring the 2nd car back home, hopefully the made repairs are enough to get it back here. It broke down on the way to Holiday World on Everly’s birthday

Everly and I stopped by the park on the way home from dropping Nathan off, for tiring out purposes. Instead of jumping, running, sliding, climbing and swinging at the park the little miss picked up litter around the park and checked out new trees that were just planted.

Then at the very end, when I was feeling all dizzy and overheated she climbed all the way to the top of the play equipment, took a huge shit that was bugging her butt and refused to slide down the slide and leave the park with me.

I finally got her home, cleaned up and and down for a nap after a good hour of nap time protests. She’s is now sleeping in her bed with the light on and her toys all over the place but THE DAMN CAT is closed in there crying and scratching at the door! Of course the cat wants out when she’s finally sleeping.

Opening the door typically wakes her and breaks the “time for rest” vibe so I am a bit pissy right now. My overall mood is just in the shitter actually, probably because I only have a bit longer to go with the pregnancy…

… and it is effing hot & humid…

… and pants/ shorts & undies do not comfortably fit anymore…

… and no matter what I consume I still feel absolutely STARVED…

… and my boobs are rock hard and in the way of everything again…

… and peeing every 10 minutes totally inhibits your ability to “rest and relax”…

… and to pee I have to lift my belly up off my thighs and sigh outloud, baby sister is that low now…

I wonder if strapping on adult diapers would be any better…

… and I am sooo tired but too amped up by all that is needing to be done before baby arrives so I can’t rest…

… and my thought process is like a giant train wreak with pieces-parts all strewn about…

Aren’t you glad you stopped by to read this?

Better yet, aren’t you glad you aren’t sitting here with me and my piss poor mood?

You should be!

Now where is the chocolate?